This Is How Thirty I Am

For some reason Labor Day this year made me feel very “thirty.” My birthday was last November but as I reflected on the events of Monday morning I couldn’t help but realize that I’ve become the sober Frank the Tank.

Here’s a quick recap of yesterday’s events so you can get a feel for what ‘m talking about.

5:30am – Wake up and watch Phineas and Ferb. Also, do all the parenty stuff like make sure the kids get food outside of Disney-themed fruit snacks.

8:30am – Step outside for some fresh air and a healthy dose of yard work. Celebrate the day of Labor!

11:30am – Load up the family in the white minivan and head out for an exciting day at the outdoor mall. While there we visited American institutions like the Cheesecake Factory and the Disney Store (It’s like Vegas with zero possibility of winning). If this isn’t partying I don’t know what is! We also let Patrick try his first lime! (This is pretty entertaining if you have an extra 28 seconds).

5:00pm – Return home and begin to settle down so we can be rested for a new week of adventure! I took some time to do a little work but nothing major. The day was officially starting to wind down at this point.

8:00pm – Realize we’re out of milk and run to the store to get some. Being without milk for any length of time in this house will result in guaranteed mutiny.

8:45pm – Get a haircut.

9:30pm – Go to bed.

Now, this is where the excitement really starts! As we laid watching 48 Hours Mystery (like I said, I’m SO thirty), Jackie cuddled up next to me. Then, out of the corner of my eye I spotted something as I fast forwarded through the commercials. I had to rewind it once or twice just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things.

Macys.com was having a Labor Day Sale!!!

It was 50% off all their luggage with an ADDITIONAL 10% off until Midnight EST. Suddenly my heart started to race as I realized we had exactly 28 minutes to place an order or miss out on these amazing saving forever. And we really needed luggage!

I leaped out of bed and headed for the office. As I quickly scoured reviews of each luggage set I felt as thought the “Add to Cart” button had become my version of the green, red, or blue wires. What if I click the wrong one? Will we all be doomed?

AND DID I MENTION FREE SHIPPING? FOR LUGGAGE!

As the minutes ticked away I knew that the moment of truth was near. What would we choose? Would we buy anything at all?

We found a few pieces of luggage and checked out at 9:52pm. We didn’t want a botched order to ruin our chances at such massive savings, so we left an 8 minute buffer.

We received the order confirmation and were able to breathe a sigh of relief. The final receipt said we had saved $501.24 on our purchase.

A sense of overwhelming accomplishment came over me.

I did it. I saved us all from overpaying for luggage.

This is how thirty I am. And honestly? It’s not too bad :)

Teaching Is Hard, So We Rant Instead

I was at a marketing meeting this morning for a whole bunch of local small businesses. It was supposed to be for “networking” and to learn about some advertising mediums like television and radio. I haven’t ventured into those mediums a whole lot so I decided to go and get me some learnin’. Toward the end of the meeting a “social media expert” was given the opportunity to pitch his company to all of the other businesses who were in attendance.

If I had a snake oil allergy I would have been dead on the spot.

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When a Blog Goes Silent…

Whenever a blog goes quiet the rumor mill starts working:

  1. “Maybe he has a rare disease?”
  2. “I’ll bet he finally had that nervous breakdown we’ve all been expecting.”
  3. “Utah probably blocked the internet.”
  4. “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE STOPPED BLOGGING!! Oh well, what are the Kardashian’s up to?” *click*

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Is Autistic The New “R-Word”?

The video clip above is from the new movie 21 Jump Street. In the clip, Jonah Hill shows Ice Cube a chart that looks like it was made by a first grader. Ice Cube says:

This chart looks like sh*t. Are you autistic?

A lot of people in the autism community are up in arms because of the slant. Many feel like it’s become a substitute for the nearly-taboo “R Word.” There’s a good chance that’s the case.

However, I’m upset for an entirely different reason.

You see, movies like Superbad and 21 Jump Street don’t exactly become box office hits for their political correctness. That’s part of what makes them funny. They have a certain shock value that, in the right context, is funny. Sure, sometimes it crosses a line, but in the moment, the jokes can be pretty hilarious.

My problem isn’t that they made fun of autism. People with autism can be super eccentric and some of their behaviors are funny. What bugs me is that they didn’t bother to educate themselves enough to make fun of autism “correctly”.

Anybody who has ever known a kid with autism knows that the chart in the video clip wouldn’t even pass as a rough draft. Maybe if Jonah Hill would have presented a computer generated 3D rendering of all of the possible suspects with full biographies, known aliases, tax histories, favorite action figures, and preferred brand of underwear, then the makers of the film would have been on to something.

Instead, they made themselves look like complete idiots by associating sloppiness and poor quality work with autism. Actually, that’s not fair. I’m making the same mistake they did. Because, you see, according to dictionary.com, an idiot is an utterly foolish or senseless person, and that seems to be giving the filmmakers a little too much credit for their lazy joke.

I’m not even asking for political correctness like a lot of people are (although that would be ideal). All that I’m asking is that they do one google search about the punchline of their joke. Here, I’ll help.

0.2 seconds could have saved those Hollywood execs from looking like morons. I mean dolts. I mean half-wits. I mean numskulls. I mean imbeciles.

I’m sorry. I can’t seem to find the right word. I’ll bet Collin can help me out…