The Valentine’s Day Gift Guide for Men

Valentine’s Day is BY FAR the the worst “holiday” ever. I’m not anti-romance by any means, but the anxiety that Cupid can bring to a guy on the 14th of February can only be rivaled by trying to open that plastic clamshell packaging that all electronics come in nowadays.

We get frazzled way too easily.

Believe it or not I wasn’t really a Cassanova in high school (seriously, wipe the shocked look off of your face). I remember that the student council was doing some kind of fundraiser and they were letting students send Valentine’s to each other.You could send a rose for 3 bucks and a cookie for 2 bucks. How they felt good about that kind of price gouging in an institution of public learning I’ll never know, but I remember stressing about those Valentine’s so much.

Me: If I send a rose she’ll totally think I wanna makeout.

Brain: You do wanna makeout.

Me: Shut up brain.

Brain: What’s the big deal? The rose is kind of fancy and it’s only a buck more. Do you really think she’s going to read that much into it? She’ll probably just think it’s nice.

Me: You’re right. But if it was me I’d probably want the cookie. What’s she going to do with a rose?

Brain: But what if no other guys buy her a rose? You’ll fulfill her I-Love-Watching-The-Notebook-On-Rainy-Days fantasy and she’ll think you’re totally sweet.

Me: Yeah, I’ve totally got to get the rose for all my girl friends!

Brain: Wait, you’re buying roses for ALL your girlfriends?

Me: Well yeah, I’ve made some decent scratch gathering carts at Albertson’s, I can afford it.

Brain: Who cares if you can afford it? What are those girls going to think when they all get roses? They’re going to think you’re trolling for the low hanging fruit!

Me: Hey Man, it’s been a while. Don’t judge…

Anyway, you get the point. Guys get stuck with this internal discussion that pretty much never ends. THE VOICES DON’T STOP! That’s why I decided to do all my homies a favor and put together this Valentine’s Day Gift Buying Guide for Men.

It’s foolproof. It’s been tested through many years of dating and nearly 7 years of marriage. It’s a proven system that WILL NOT steer you wrong this Valentine’s Day. This is your ticket to not screwing it up again this year, guys. Ladies, you can pass this along to your significant others as a subtle reminder to step his game up and take care of you this year.

As soon as you’ve passed this little gem along, please enjoy a wonderful Valentine’s Day with someone you love!

Click to see full size and get a download link for a printable PDF


  1. says

    I love your flow charts!! Although I’ll admit I was kind of hoping this post would be about what to get men for Valentine’s Day. Obv it’s too late for me (I got him an ice cream cake and a slightly obscene card) but I think women are WAY easier to shop for on Vday than men! What do men want??

    Well, besides that.

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